The bell went for second lesson, but before I went, I had to
get my RE book out of my locker. I
opened the door to find that the mushroom stroganoff I’d made in cookery last
week had reacted with this week’s Watery-liquid juice puree and cultured a new
species of fungus.
 |
| Fun Gus |
The WWF[1]
and National Parks council have declared my locker a site of special scientific
interest and ramblers from different countries are currently making their way
to St Evander’s as I write[5]. My RE book
was under a small mammal I have been allowed to call a ‘Bankank’[2] by
the international new species naming committee.
 |
| Davina, the Bankank |
I trotted off to RE in the English block. We learn all about Hindus and Buddists.
Mr Toe, the RE teacher makes us sit in ones, in rows and columns with a
desk each – except Steve, who doesn’t get a desk after he scratched slogans
into it with his teeth at the start of term.
There are loads of bibles on the shelves and in one of them it has ‘Turn
to page 33’ on the front cover, on page 33 it says ‘Turn to page 88’ and so on,
until you’ve visited 72 different pages and the last message reads ‘now get on
with your work you lazy twit’. No one
has used the word ‘twit’ out loud since 1981 – anyone who does, gets pointed at
and poked in the elbow with an S Club 7
ruler (or its equivalent depending on what year it is[3]).
The now infamous question on the RE exam paper last year was
‘Who was Amos?’ Everyone put the same answer
except me, I put ‘My best friends dad’.
Actually, my best friend put ‘My dad’ which technically is the same
answer if you follow? Actually in the
Hebrew bible, Amos was called from
his rural home to remind the rich and powerful of God's requirement for justice.
He claimed that religion that is not accompanied by right action is anathema to
God, and prophesied that the kingdom
of Israel
 |
| Amos in the 90s |
The bell went to
signal morning break. Me and Wazzy were
bored so we tried to traverse the side of the physics classroom like Olympic
athletes but Wazzy got hit in the face by a stray football which knocked him
off and broke his prefect badge. He
needed a sit down after that so we went to the prefect room in Edam House where
he is a prefect.
 |
| They can't even spel |
The prefect room is a
small room set aside in which prefects can relax during breaks – it’s one of
the perks. The other is that you get to shout
obscenities at first years and call it a ‘deterrent’. The room itself has comfy chairs from the
70’s[4]
and a “hi-fi” on which only the radio works and the tape player if you jam a
small plastic dinosaur in the side to keep the tape in. I set Wazzy down on one of the Chaise-longues
and set off for tuck-shop. There was a
big queue out the door of Edam house as there was only one prefect serving and
he’s got no depth of perception due to his eye pad[6]. The bell
went before I got served so I just ran in, knocked everything off the table
in protest and ran away to the Drama room where 3rd lesson was about
to begin.
[1] The
World Wrestling Federation.
[2] Sadly
now extinct c.2002.
[3] In 2012
it would be a Dizzy Rascal ruler.
[4] 1870’s.
[5] Still are
[6] A pad on his left eye, not a computer tablet
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