Friday 17th
September
I got to school early today and sat on the wall outside the
main entrance. I watched the teachers go
in and tramp up the stairs to the staff room where they no doubt down cups of
awful coffee and read the Guardian. The Guardian is called Steve and he always wears slogan T-Shirts.
Some teachers look world weary while others
positively skip into the building – they’re normally the ones who teach A-level,
the ones in the depths of despair teach the classes that contain pupils who
would rather throw and shout than learn.
Prazzy, who is in one of these classes set fire to his left sock in Mr B’pants
lesson. He also turned a stapler into an aircraft, glued two first year’s faces
together and worst of all, didn’t hand his maths homework in on time. He got expelled and suspended for that, and
came back the week after and put in class 4A. I’m in 2.
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| A typical lesson with Mr. B'pants |
Tazzy has started a craze of wearing cardigans
instead of blazers, which all the people who want to be cool[1]
have copied. The people who want to be warm have also copied this. The real cool people do
generally what they want and don’t follow fashion. Take Yazzy for example, he wears flares, has
really bushy hair with things living in it and never brushes his teeth. The cool thing is no one has followed his
chosen style – now that’s cool!
 |
| Everyone looks good in a cardy, even people you need to spy on with binoculars |
At about
8:15, Nizzy walked by on her way to Brie house. She smiled at me when she
walked past. I asked her out once and
she screamed in my face and then had an attack of hysteria and ran off. I went to see her later and asked, “Was that
a yes or a no?”. She head-butted me in the
face. I still don’t know what her answer
was. If she fancies me why doesn’t she
just say? I guess that smile she flashed
me as she walked past was merely for the memory of me lying on the ground trying
to keep my nose attached to my face. A
little harsh I thought, but it hasn’t put me off asking her out again. As a contingency, I asked Wendy out last
week, the one that’s got one cheek bigger than the other; she whacked me in the
shins with her badminton racket and ran into the girls’ toilets crying. Plenty more fish in the sea although it seems
that girls look at me as the effluent that decreased the biodiversity index in
the river of love.
 |
| Barry's love life |
8:30am and the swots start to turn up, getting out of their
parents Audis and Bentleys. Dazzy was
early, getting out of his Dad’s Lada with a ski mask on so no one would
recognise him. Would have worked if he
hadn’t worn the one his Gran knitted for him last Christmas[2].
 |
| You deserve to wear a ski mask if you get in one of these |
Quarter to nine and lots of people are milling about now,
drinking pop and hitting each other with their school bags. There’s a fashion right now where people zip
the small triangular bag off the end of their sports bag and carry that around
with them. It’s a good deterrent to
bullying when you put a chambers dictionary in it I suppose. Big Jock McPugilist has invented a new
version of tag where he chases people and when he catches them, he punches them
really hard in the mouth. Ozzy likes it,
it gets him out of French Oral.
 |
| My advice? Don't type 'French Oral' into Google Image search |
On the way to my tutor room I passed smokers corner. The people who hang out here like to look
hard[3]
and make believe they’re in control of the entire school. Fact is, they’re not in control of anything
being as they are, slaves to tobacco.
They spend most of their time up the ‘top shop’ hanging around buying
singles[4]
and taking money off first years to fuel their habit. Some are so addicted, if
they can’t afford tabs, they set fire to an item of clothing and breathe that
in. On one occasion, Cizzy set fire to Nizzy and tried to smoke him.
When they get caught, which they do with startling regularity, being as
how smoker’s corner has come to the attention of every teacher in the school,
they get their tabs confiscated. Mr Gout
has never had to buy tabs for 15 years.
Turns out the smokers have disproved Darwin’s theory of conditioned
instinct and natural selection. If it were true, they’d move on to another
favourable habitat in which they could exist and not have their tabs taken off
them every day at 8:55 by the same teacher.
Or at least they would have evolved a method of smoking the tabs without
being seen.
 |
| Only really cool, hard and clever kids will know what this is |
Registration was strange this morning. No one spoke at all. Everyone
just sat looking shiftily at each other.
Because no one was talking, no one wanted to speak first because the
whole room would hear what they said and no one was confident that the thing they
wanted to say was interesting enough for everyone else not to think they were
(a) boring (b) a socialist or (c) a spanner.
We sat in silence through the whole of registration, only the sound of
Mr Chipolata's pen scratching on the register cutting through the eerie
silence. Razzy farted which broke the peace
0.1 second before the bell went for first lesson.
First lesson today was Economics. I love this subject because it makes you feel
all grown up, learning about the stock exchange and finance and why orange
juice is 87p at Tesco and 3p at Netto – that sort of thing. Mrs Highair takes this subject as well as
Business Studies. I guess they’re intrinsically linked or whatever. She did a few of those transparent plastic
paper things on the overhead projector about fecundity. Uzzy laughed everytime she said the word fecundity
because he’s immature and thought it sounded a bit rude. I didn’t think it sounded rude, I thought it
sounded like ******. I didn’t laugh though, it’s immature.
 |
| Fecundity/play time |
The teacher thinks I’m a really hard worker. I’m not, I sit
next to Tizzy who is dead clever and I copy off him. Once, I copied off him so literally, I put
his name at the top of my test paper.
This other time though, I copied his work word for word and I got 98%
and he got 97%. Unable to hold my
curiosity, I asked the teacher how that could be and she stripped me of all my
marks for that term for cheating – I still didn’t find out why I got 1% more
than him too – double whammy!! Mmmm…
that reminds me, I really fancied a Wham bar – tuck shop is on a Friday in Edam
house.
[1] Cool
people used to say ‘beast’ or ‘mint’.
Which I think is kinda cool.
[2] I
remember that ski-mask. It had ‘Darren
Gold’ embroidered on the forehead in white wool.
[3]
Physically or mentally tough.
[4] One
cigarette is called a single although the top shop did sell Adam Ant’s new
single in 1982.
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