Bell went for registration but today was assembly[1] in
the big hall. Dazzy is a hymn book
monitor and has to give them out as people enter the hall. He likes to slip
rude pictures between the pages, hoping one day Mrs Crab will get one and faint
with shock. Mr Wigwam plays the piano
really loud as we all walk in, usually with unnecessary bass notes that make
Mrs Crab’s teeth work loose in her mouth and then they fly out when she begins
to sing. Mr Gout stands at the front,
eyeing us suspiciously as we file in, working our way across the rows before
sitting down. Each year, you get 2 rows
closer to the back until in 5th year you have to sit in the corridor
outside because there aren’t enough rows.
 |
| Better than being chased by a rabid Woodlouse |
Me and Lazzy always change the words to whatever hymn we’ve got to sing.
We changed ‘When a Knight won his spurs’
to ‘When United beat Spurs’ and ‘All things bright and beautiful’ to ‘All Kings kite and beautiful’, which
cracks us up. Lawzy came out with a
classic today, instead of ‘Morning has
broken’ he sang ‘I’ve got the key,
I’ve got the secret’ along with the tune. Hilarity ensued as we sang
various other Techno and House classics along with the tunes.
We eventually sat down and had to listen to
Mr Gout going on about how his office has been set on fire twice this week,
someone had shoved a first year up the air conditioning and they can’t get him
out and how horses are banned from the sports hall. He then introduced a policeman who waffled on
about unimportant stuff like crime prevention, cycling proficiency and how not
to die in a nuclear war. Once the
policeman went away, we had to say the Lord’s Prayer[2].
We don’t generally give our hymn books back to the monitors,
we just chuck them in the book case until they all fall out and the monitor has
to pick them all up. We collected our
bags, which we’d thrown in a pile outside the door, freeing the first year
who’d fallen in his endeavours as we were all piling into the room. He wasn’t too upset at missing assembly.
 |
| This, but better, stronger, faster, longer, higher, wider, thinner, uglier and fatter. |
Fourth lesson today was Geography with Mr. Tweed who thinks
he’s hilarious and he’s just not. The
floors in the Geography room are really weird, they’re like this foamy lino
stuff that makes you feel like you’re going to sink into the back of a giant
octopus – or maybe it’s just me. Yeah, that's right, people think they're going to sink into me.
Mr
Tweed tells jokes all lesson but they’re all really boring. He’d like to be a
stand up comedian. He is the compare at school concerts and will be again at
the musician of the year concert on
Friday. I made a concerted effort to be
nice to him today, just in case he has any sway on who wins. I carried his folders for him, pointed at the
photo of his wife on his desk and said it doesn’t look like she has a full
moustache, told him that his jacket was spiffing and cleaned his white board for
him. Turned out he’d spent 20 minutes
writing the lesson plan on it before we came in. He wasn’t happy.
 |
| If you're thinkin' of being my brother, it don't matter if you're black or white |
He set us a test. I said the Fens were really steep and that
Holland had the highest mountain in the world.
I said Venice was used as a rally track
and Azerbaijan was in Scotland . I got an F.
Better than I expected! “I
admire the atlas’ honesty, you always know where you are with it.” That was one of Mr Tweed’s jokes during which
76% of the class fell asleep. I worked
that out by dividing the amount of people awake with how many people there were
asleep and multiplying by 100. GCSE’s –
here I come!!
[1] Not
putting together a flat pack table.
[2] Jebus, the Lord
of the Dance, the lord of the flies, the lord of the manor and oh, Lordy, I've got a sore tongue.
No comments:
Post a Comment