The bell went for afternoon break during which I raced Nazzy
down the yard. He won but didn’t stop, skidded on some silt the wind had
collected in the corner and slammed face first into a brick wall. He also won the ‘oddest angle for a nose’
competition we held next. We plan to
have a sponsored slam-into-a-wall next term for a new minibus[1]. We had 2 minutes left on break so me, Mazzy
and Bazzy pretended the world was going to explode and ran around
screaming. People’s faces were funny for
2 entire minutes.
 |
| Hilarious[3] mememe about the end of the world |
Fifth lesson; Business Studies. Mrs Highair wears massive glasses and I make
sure I don’t sit where the sun can be magnified through them and set fire to
me. I asked Tazzy out in the
cupboard in there once, she’s ginger.
I’m really good at computers so people always ask me how to log on, log
off, log out, log in and what motivates Lumberjacks. Today the teacher waffled on and on about
breaking even, tax and advertising. I
asked if I could use my Dictaphone. She said “No, use your finger like everyone
else”. I didn’t get it? While she was waffling, I doodled a life-size
picture of an ant on Mars. I got told
off a few times for doodling and eventually she took the A1 flip chart and pack
of 100 coloured felt tips off me altogether.
 |
| More pens than you can hold in a massive hand |
I did a poster; it had a ghost on a bike on the front being chased by
two lizards dressed as policemen. It was
advertising sundries, miscellaneous items and general products. Mrs Highair says she’s going to put it up in
the main school building for people to laugh at. I’m so proud. I’ll work for Nestle one day... packing boxes. Aazzy kept making faces at Zzzy
behind his back. Zzzy kept making backs behind Aazzy's faces.
The teacher then showed us a computer program called ‘Lemonade[2]
Tycoon’ to teach us the basics of running a business. I’ve already drawn up plans to open my own
Lettuce shop. Lettuces are free because
they occur naturally in the ground. I
just have to pick them and get people to buy them for 30p a cabbage and I’ll be
a cauliflower millionaire in no time. I might just write a computer game called
Sim-Cabbage 3D (Broccoli Apocalypse); one or the other.
The teacher got us all to sit at our desks again at the end
of the lesson while she summed up. She
didn’t, she just stood staring in a creepy way, her eyes magnified by the double
strength lenses. Maybe she meant
‘summoning up’ and a demon or some other denizen of the underworld was about to
appear? Then the bell went and she
didn’t say anything so we just erratically got up and left – she was still
staring straight ahead. I think her batteries must have gone flat or something. She once threatened me when I was looking out
of the window. She said “If you don’t
stop looking out of the window, I’ll shut it!”
That terrified the life out of me and I’m still traumatised by it today.
[1] The reintroduction
of inflation in 1983 prevented this from being a success.
[2] It isn’t
fizzy as this shoves the production costs up.
[3] Hilarity is in the mouth of the beholder
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